God, can't You just send me a list of instructions?
By: Rose Schmillen
I just returned from the chapel. Quick update, for those of you who don't know: I am living with a Franciscan community for the summer to continue my discernment. So there is a chapel just downstairs, which is fabulous, but I've been here almost a week and this is the first time that I've made a nighttime jaunt down. Shameful, I know! But I went tonight, and as I stood in the doorway I almost did not go in.
Earlier this evening I had an idea for an epic horror movie, and it got loose and went crazy inside my head, and I have consequently been jumpy all evening. The imagination is the most powerful thing.
So I stood in the doorway. That chapel is dark at night - essentially no moonlight or street lamp light permeates through the windows, and the only actual light in the chapel is the little candle burning beside the tabernacle. I wanted to turn around and just go back up to my room. I could pray there instead, no problem; I could resist the distractions of my computer, my phone, my books.
Lord, please keep me safe, I prayed. My flip flops slapped against the tile as I walked to the front. Not a single demon attacked me.
I didn't say much, I only sat holding my knees and listening to the silence.
I bet I could ask any question right now and get an answer, I thought. What shall I ask?
What shall I ask, God? The immediate temptation is to ask about my vocation. Several months ago I wanted nothing more than to be a sister. Two months ago I wanted with all of my heart not to be a sister. One month ago I realized that I have no idea, and that is where I'm still at now. So I wonder a lot and pray about it a lot, and I just want to know about it.
However. If God straight-up told me what my vocation is, all of the intrigue, the discovery, the wonder at what is to come, is lost. Alright, okay, not all of it. God could easily say, "You're going to be a sister," and I would still not know where, what my ministry would be, the people I would meet, the things I would see. But a little of the mystery is gone. And what is more glorious than after working and working and working for something, finally discovering what it is we have been seeking?
God, I do not need to know what I am going to do in a year. I do not what to know where I will be at in six months. I don't want you to tell me what I need to do tomorrow. I need to know what I need to do right now. Please help me to do what I am supposed to do now.
I just returned from the chapel. Quick update, for those of you who don't know: I am living with a Franciscan community for the summer to continue my discernment. So there is a chapel just downstairs, which is fabulous, but I've been here almost a week and this is the first time that I've made a nighttime jaunt down. Shameful, I know! But I went tonight, and as I stood in the doorway I almost did not go in.
Earlier this evening I had an idea for an epic horror movie, and it got loose and went crazy inside my head, and I have consequently been jumpy all evening. The imagination is the most powerful thing.
So I stood in the doorway. That chapel is dark at night - essentially no moonlight or street lamp light permeates through the windows, and the only actual light in the chapel is the little candle burning beside the tabernacle. I wanted to turn around and just go back up to my room. I could pray there instead, no problem; I could resist the distractions of my computer, my phone, my books.
Lord, please keep me safe, I prayed. My flip flops slapped against the tile as I walked to the front. Not a single demon attacked me.
I didn't say much, I only sat holding my knees and listening to the silence.
I bet I could ask any question right now and get an answer, I thought. What shall I ask?
What shall I ask, God? The immediate temptation is to ask about my vocation. Several months ago I wanted nothing more than to be a sister. Two months ago I wanted with all of my heart not to be a sister. One month ago I realized that I have no idea, and that is where I'm still at now. So I wonder a lot and pray about it a lot, and I just want to know about it.
However. If God straight-up told me what my vocation is, all of the intrigue, the discovery, the wonder at what is to come, is lost. Alright, okay, not all of it. God could easily say, "You're going to be a sister," and I would still not know where, what my ministry would be, the people I would meet, the things I would see. But a little of the mystery is gone. And what is more glorious than after working and working and working for something, finally discovering what it is we have been seeking?
God, I do not need to know what I am going to do in a year. I do not what to know where I will be at in six months. I don't want you to tell me what I need to do tomorrow. I need to know what I need to do right now. Please help me to do what I am supposed to do now.
Équipe Vocation
By: Rose Schmillen
Yesterday evening I went to a soirée for vocation discernment at the Sisters of St. John in Versailles. We were a small group, just myself, Sr. Jean, Père Oliver, and two other women who are also discerning.
After a quick dinner, the first question asked was, “What are your desires today?” Immediately I thought of my life, and of my desires in life. No one answered at first, so I figured I’d speak up, and in my terrible broken French I attempted to explain, “I want to share joy with people, I want to talk to people, I want to help people, and I want to be around others who are like me with whom I can share my faith.”
I got many strange looks. My broken French is still too broken, and plus that’s not quite what they were looking for.
“Today,” Sr. Jean emphasized. “What are your desires for today?” The others started talking about normal things – like, super normal things. Eating. Eating chocolate. Sleeping. Reading. Praying. Playing sports. They talked about this for a while, in fact. I understood little of it, but was generally intrigued that they were doing so. It’s easy to forget this stuff!
What are the priorities in your day? Are you getting ahead of yourself with the big things and losing sight of the little things? I know I am. I’ve had to start scheduling chill time into my schedule, even if it’s just fifteen minutes to read after lunch. It’s also these little desires that factor into are larger desires. True, most of us share the desire to eat and sleep. But the others? Let’s take baking, for example. I like to bake, and sometimes have the desire to bake. For me, it’s not a big thing, it’s just an occasional (and occasionally disastrous) hobby. But Cecille enjoys baking very much, not just occasionally, and can use this talent and desire to share God’s love with others.
The good thing about not speaking the language very well is that when I actually pick out a word or phrase, cognate or no, it means a lot more to me and I consequently get more out of it. One such example is the word “reorientation,” which in French is – wait for it – “réorientation.”
We need to constantly reorient ourselves. Even if you just set out on a path a week/month/year/day ago and thought it excellent at the time, even if you discerned it to be right then, is it still correct now? We are always changing. Maybe it’s time for an update. Talk to God about it, and don’t let yourself get into a rut.
What are you going for in your life? Is it sufficient? Don’t think of it on a large scale. Think about it for the next year, or two years, tops. Are you studying in college? Are you working somewhere? Are you working towards something? What is the thing that takes up most of your time? Does it fulfill you?
Our desires are inside us already. It’s not God throwing us fastballs, it’s us discovering ourselves. Our basic desires fluctuate. One minute we could be craving chocolate, the next moment what we want is a good tire swing. But our deeper vocations are there now; they are underlying currents. Maybe your river comes to a fork, and both forks look good, but the current is pulling you one way – let it. Don’t worry about it. If you’re meant to go the other way, the river will meet back up.
Yesterday evening I went to a soirée for vocation discernment at the Sisters of St. John in Versailles. We were a small group, just myself, Sr. Jean, Père Oliver, and two other women who are also discerning.
After a quick dinner, the first question asked was, “What are your desires today?” Immediately I thought of my life, and of my desires in life. No one answered at first, so I figured I’d speak up, and in my terrible broken French I attempted to explain, “I want to share joy with people, I want to talk to people, I want to help people, and I want to be around others who are like me with whom I can share my faith.”
I got many strange looks. My broken French is still too broken, and plus that’s not quite what they were looking for.
“Today,” Sr. Jean emphasized. “What are your desires for today?” The others started talking about normal things – like, super normal things. Eating. Eating chocolate. Sleeping. Reading. Praying. Playing sports. They talked about this for a while, in fact. I understood little of it, but was generally intrigued that they were doing so. It’s easy to forget this stuff!
What are the priorities in your day? Are you getting ahead of yourself with the big things and losing sight of the little things? I know I am. I’ve had to start scheduling chill time into my schedule, even if it’s just fifteen minutes to read after lunch. It’s also these little desires that factor into are larger desires. True, most of us share the desire to eat and sleep. But the others? Let’s take baking, for example. I like to bake, and sometimes have the desire to bake. For me, it’s not a big thing, it’s just an occasional (and occasionally disastrous) hobby. But Cecille enjoys baking very much, not just occasionally, and can use this talent and desire to share God’s love with others.
The good thing about not speaking the language very well is that when I actually pick out a word or phrase, cognate or no, it means a lot more to me and I consequently get more out of it. One such example is the word “reorientation,” which in French is – wait for it – “réorientation.”
We need to constantly reorient ourselves. Even if you just set out on a path a week/month/year/day ago and thought it excellent at the time, even if you discerned it to be right then, is it still correct now? We are always changing. Maybe it’s time for an update. Talk to God about it, and don’t let yourself get into a rut.
What are you going for in your life? Is it sufficient? Don’t think of it on a large scale. Think about it for the next year, or two years, tops. Are you studying in college? Are you working somewhere? Are you working towards something? What is the thing that takes up most of your time? Does it fulfill you?
Our desires are inside us already. It’s not God throwing us fastballs, it’s us discovering ourselves. Our basic desires fluctuate. One minute we could be craving chocolate, the next moment what we want is a good tire swing. But our deeper vocations are there now; they are underlying currents. Maybe your river comes to a fork, and both forks look good, but the current is pulling you one way – let it. Don’t worry about it. If you’re meant to go the other way, the river will meet back up.
